Thursday, October 7, 2010

Frustrated and angry and ashamed

The spate of GLBT teen suicides in the past few weeks has left me feeling furious at the bullying idiots who are causing this, and frustrated at my inability to do anything about it.  I was relentlessly tormented by bullies as a child, due to my essential geekiness, the fact that I am and have always been, somewhat overweight (to this day I have body image issues because of this), and my various allergies and infirmities. I managed to keep the fact that I am gay hidden.  The fact that I had to, out of self preservation and a crushing desire to 'fit in', participate in bullying as well as experience it, is one of the greatest shames of my life.  I am all too aware that the damage I caused is done.  Nothing I can do can ever make it better.  There is no way to right those wrongs.  I have never apologized to the people whom I denigrated, never reached out to them to tell them that it was me who was wrong, me who was different, me who was hurting.  That I was trying to make my shame and hurt go away by pushing it onto them, as if by making someone else feel those feeling, I wouldn't have too.  I have never told them that it didn't work.  That while I may have succeeded in forcing my hidden internal feelings onto them, that did nothing to expiate those feelings.  It, in fact, made them worse.  I need to find them and beg for their forgiveness.