Monday, December 13, 2010

Internal bullies and the hunt for a boyfriend

I've decided to chronicle my hunt for a boyfriend here, mostly as a spur to keep me moving forward. Most of the difficulties I am having in getting started in this search are related to my self-esteem issues, which is frustrating as hell.  I have been fighting this for my entire life.  I push through it, and it jumps up again and slaps me back down.  Too fat, too short, ugly, bad skin.  The litany rings through my head.  Now that I have to use a cane to walk, add cripple to the list.  It is actually worse when the bullies screaming the abuse are in your head rather than physically present.  At least I can fight the physical ones.  Let the berserker loose and see red for a while.  Never solved anything, but it sure made me feel better!!  Now that the abuse is internal, turning the berserker loose only raises my blood pressure and turns me into a reactionary asshole to the people I love.  I cannot allow this to continue.  I can't expect to find a man to love me (or to keep Brett's love, for that matter) if I continue this self hatred.  The easiest way I can think of to change my self image is to get in better shape. Step 1:  Join yoga class at gym (related sub-step:  Join Gym)

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